A bird dropped a bagel on the LHC, but it’s no problem.  That has nothing to do with anything, and isn’t what this is about.

What this is about is the continuously reprinted and completely retarded idea that

time traveling particles returning from the future to prevent their own discovery is beginning to seem less and less far fetched.

Less and less far-fetched?  As I said, and the same article said, this freak accident had nothing to do with correct operation of the machine at this point. Perhaps if it later fails because of this bagel incident then they’ll have something.  But this supposition would be like cutting out the entire middle of The Terminator: he travels back in time and gets himself crushed to death after he discovers that Sarah Connor is not terminally allergic to bagels.

Recap: The LHC is designed to detect previously undetectable, completely invisible particles. The problem is that these particles – sentient particles, apparently – do not want to be discovered.  And so, these sentient, completely invisible particles, did I mention they can time travel? They can time travel. These sentient, completely invisible, time traveling particles come back in time and, did I mention they can do mind control on seagulls?  Yeah, so the sentient, completely invisible, time traveling, bird mind controlling particles come back in time to settle a score with mankind’s most complex machine (circa 2009).

I guess they’re shy.

So here’s my idea, which has probably been supposed somewhere else, but I came up with it myself, so I’m not fucking googling it, it’s mine, eat it.   So there are an infinite number of parallel universes (that’s not my idea, somebody else definitely came up with that one) and all the parallels where the LHC gets activated explode in a supermassive black hole that compresses the Earth to the size of an electron that’s been in the dryer too long and shriveled up so you can’t wear it anymore.  We, as a surviving Earth, are clearly still alive. And conversely we aren’t in a universe/on a planet that got gobbled up.

We cannot ever be in a world that gets destroyed, because then we won’t be around to experience it.  You can’t take Schrodinger’s cat out of the box and ask him how it felt to die; the cat who died collapsed the waveform in a different universe and this cat ain’t him.  We’re the surviving cat. As long as we’re alive, we’re the surviving cat.  We will never observe the annihilation of the Earth because all the observers got annihilated.  You dig?

So yeah, the whole “LHC  creates black hole and destroys Earth” theory got debunked and put to rest, but fuck that noise.

• We can’t see the LHC work because if it did, we couldn’t see it because we’d be dead because of it.
• Un-seeable specks from the future came back with a grudge against a nosey machine and forced a bird to throw a bagel at it for no good reason.

Occam’s razor: you tell me.