Uncoolest thing ever: holding Apple accountable for giving the iPhone 4 shitty reception and shitty construction.

We got there just a few minutes after nine, and were plenty early. The event started at 10, registration began at nine, and we didn’t know what to expect. Better to be safe than sorry. Turns out, only 19 people showed up. So we sat around for an hour, and shortly after ten, things got rolling. We cracked open our packs, and the first pack i open has a “loot card” in it. See, you have the chance in any of these packs to get one of these loot cards. They have a code printed on them that you can redeem in the online game for phat loots for your character. This first pack contained the “Disco Inferno” loot card, which amazingly enough, gives your character a little disco ball to dance around. This is the ‘uncommon’ loot card, so I was kinda pleased about that.

A pack or two later, I pulled the ‘super common’ loot card, called the Footsteps of Illidan, or some such. This one just gives you an item that will leave a little green glowing trail as your character walks around in the game. I was pretty pleased about it, since I have no use for in game phat loots, these are perfect ebay fodder, and will likely make up my entry fee + gas money (no small feat with gas prices these days).

We were given a half hour to put decks together, and then the tourney started. It was to be five rounds of swiss play, and at the end of the five rounds, prizes (packs of the new set) were awarded based on your wins. Five wins = 10 packs, 4 wins = 8 packs, 3 wins = 4 packs, and 2 wins = 1 pack. My goal was to win three games, which I thought was doable, given the even footing we were all on. So, the first round starts, and they give out door prizes. My name gets pulled for a play mat, with the image you see above on it. Its like a giant mousepad for playing cards on. Since I really have no need for a giant mousepad playmat, it will likely end up more ebay fodder. SCORE.

So anyways, round one starts. Things start off okay, but go south. I lose. These are just single matches, unlike last time where it was best of three, so right away I’m eliminated from that nice 10 pack prize. Game two goes nowhere fast, and I lose again. There is still hope for the 4 pack prize though. Game three comes and goes, I am winning, winning, winning. Time runs out, and we are given three more turns to play. The other guy manages to get my health lower than his before the three turns are up, so I lose. So I am off to the same start I had at regionals, 0-3. And, just like regionals, I get a bye in the 4th round. FIRST WIN BAYBEE. So after sitting around for half an hour, round 5 pairings are posted. My fifth round opponent? Oh, he left already, so I get win #2. SINGLE PACK PRIZE!

So all in all, i got two loot cards, a play mat, and an extra pack as a prize, didn’t defeat a single person in a match and took 16th place out of the 19 players. All in all, it was a much more enjoyable experience than regionals, even if i didn’t win at all, since I got to see some new cards. The four pack prize would have been nice, but I’m pretty happy with what I came home with.

The battle started off with a Red Blok Nakovalny charging into the middle of town and firing upon the U.N.A. Fire Toad that crossed its path. The attack had little effect on the Fire Toad, and dealt significant damage to the Nakovalny in it’s return volley. A Karman Easy Trike quickly joined the fray, and it was not long after that the Nakovalny was completely destroyed.

A unit of UNA White Stars came across the battle, but realizing that their weapons would have little effect on the heavily armored vehicle, they instead focused their weapons on a unit of Karman Wendigos that were hiding nearby. After several exchanges of fire, the Fire Toad was destroyed and the Easy Trike was rendered immobile.

Meanwhile, a unit of Red Blok Spetsnatz Kommandos were sneaking around town, trying to get the drop on the infantry battle that had started between the White Stars and the Wendigos. The White Stars had power in numbers, and were able to overwhelm the Karman forces with no casualties. They then turned their sights onto the advancing Red Blok infantry, and let loose with their attack.

Though evenly numbered, the infantry of the Red Blok were no match for the weaponry of the UNA. The White Stars quickly routed the Red army, suffering just a single casualty. With their victory at hand, they left the battlefield, knowing that the immobilized Trike posed no threat.

I went about pre-ordering myself a copy that very same day, mere minutes after my most joyous discovery. Browsing my way to one of those oh-so-popular price comparison sites I quickly determined that finding a GH3 bundle priced lower than 90 bones just wasn’t going to happen. But then I stumbled upon a price anomaly…a site selling it for $10 less than any of those competing chumps. A site I had never heard of, but one that sounded reputable to me. Navigating the site I had noticed that things were somewhat sloppily put together, the site was kind of slow, but these were just minor surface problems and I know to never judge a book by its cover. But their prices were lower, and I was convinced that they would uphold their mission statement “to provide you, the customer, with a lower price alternative for purchasing your Video Games”. And from this experience I also learned that you should never shop at a website based on it’s Low Low Prices.

GameFanFanatic.com is run by Chris and January Parnell, or at least that’s what I’m assuming based on the first email I received addressed from Chris and January Parnell. I understood that I wouldn’t be getting GH3 on the day that it came out, and that since the release date was on Sunday that it wouldn’t ship until Monday or maybe Tuesday at the latest. After a series of emails from different addresses – Chris and January Parnell, Chris Parnell, and lastly from cgpkcfan@hotmail.com – I started to become a bit disconcerted. If the hotmail addresses weren’t bad enough (who the fuck runs a business through a hotmail account?) the content of the emails really drove home the error of my ways. The most recent volley of correspondence from them was this:

You have recently placed an order for the Guitar Hero 3 Bundle Wii. Just to inform you of whats going on is that my warehouse is expecting a shipment sometime Saturday 11-03 or Sunday 11-04 this was due to some sorta delay on the manufactures side!

Thanks for your patience and understanding!

It hit me that Chris and January Parnell are probably incestuous siblings running a game business out of their parent’s basement, and I wouldn’t be shocked to hear that they use every product that passes through their filthy hands as some sort of masturbatory device in their ongoing brother on sister inbreeding carnival. Every retail store in my area has this game in stock. GameFanFanatic, if they were professional at all, would have had this item in stock at least the day or two after it came out. But now I’ll have to wait until at least this weekend for them to even have the damn thing in stock, and even then it’ll be another week before I get it, and even at that I’ll likely have to go pick it up from the UPS distro center since those guys always show up during the 5 minutes I’m taking a dump in the morning.

For shattering my faith in the little guy, for making me think twice before rooting for the underdog, and for grievous spelling errors in their email, GameFanFanatic.com has earned its place in the hall of shame. I’ve requested my money back from them, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they won’t be responding to that email.

• smartphone (web browsing, emailing, mapping, etc. are supported – no music purchases or games required)
• camera (2MP or greater) that does not suck entirely
• Micro or Mini SD card support (can use adapters to SD and use on Wii, cameras, etc.)
• legitimate MIDP/Java support for Google Maps and Gmail mobile app and Opera Mini
• flip form factor
• Bluetooth w/ A2DP & AVRCP profiles
• GPS (can be skipped as long as compact, quality BT based GPS addon is available)
• QWERTY keyboard && physical numeric keypad (I want both, and I want to feel individual buttons)

I don’t give a damn about the OS – as long as it works well (this means no Palm OS). This is the absolute main requirement: this phone should not drive me into a frenzied rage every time I use it. Is there a name for this feature? Is “not sucking” part of anyone’s business plan anymore?

Also, fuck the price. If you find me a phone that does what I want and doesn’t drive me batshit insane every time I want to write a text message or receive a call then I’ll buy us both one, even if it’s iPhone-ish in cost.

Update: I went with the T-Mobile Wing (unlocked, should work w/ AT&T) and a separate GPS unit.  I also splurged on the memory card and Bluetooth headset.  I blame this spending spree on Snowcrash.

From: Ann Winegardner
Sent: Sunday, November 12, 2006 6:32 PM
To: “Undisclosed-Recipients”
Subject: Legos for Ohio State Fans

Here it is after 2+ years of work. It is a 1:275 (approximate) scale model of Ohio Stadium, built entirely with Legos. A few pictures are attached to this e-mail, I hope everyone will be able to open them.

The project commenced in July 2002 and was finally completed in October 2004. I have no idea on how many thousands of pieces are in the model (it would be nearly impossible to count without dismantling), but can say that it weighs around 38 pounds, not including the plywood base. The footprint is 36 1/2″ x 46 1/2″ and stands 10″ tall. I devoted around 2000 hours of my time, which includes activities needed to research, locate and purchase the pieces, planning, layout, assembly, disassembly, and much trial and error. The stadium was constructed in sections to facilitate moving in the future.

At the beginning, I set “rules” to help guide the project: no modifying pieces, no glue, and no paint. This model is held together entirely by the interlocking features of the Lego bricks and gravity, but is still fragile. The largest obstacle was the scale – the size of the pieces limited the amount of detail I was able to obtain (note the absence of yard lines, among others). I had two choices – live with it, or increase the scale.

I decided to live with it for space and financial reasons. Despite these compromises, I did my best to work around the brick limitations and managed to keep the features approximately proportionate to one another. Obtaining a horseshoe shape with square Lego pieces made this project challenging. Up close, the appearance seems rough, but blends together well when viewed at a distance. The work required a great deal of patience, but proved to be therapeutic at times.

For reference, I had to rely on pictures and dimensional information from the internet. Visits to the stadium were infrequent, as I live over 200 miles from the stadium (yes in Michigan). I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are no blue or yellow pieces anywhere on this model. Not even the north rotunda (besides the pieces are too large to obtain sufficient amount of detail).

Overall, the project was past due and over budget, but am happy with the results. I hope everyone appreciates my “art”. The fun for me was attained in building it and helped stimulate some creativity. It was like putting together a customized 3-D puzzle with no instructions and an endless supply of pieces. This model is definitely a one of a kind.

Feel free to forward this document to friends, family, work associates, etc.

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