Rhetorical questions are great. I enjoy using them, especially as a verbal weapon to embarrass my enemies.

Quick linguaphile note: embarass in rooted in a Portuguese word relating to hanging via noose, and has nothing to do with baring one’s ass, no matter how much I wish it did.

They say that internet and cellular communications mediums are devolving the childrens’ writing skills, and the plethora of anecdotal evidence on MySpace or Xanga should be enough to make the firmest nay-sayer say yea. Yes, the grammar and spelling and mechanics are suffering, but I think the problem goes beyond a failure to express ideas clearly. I believe people (read: pseudo-literate a-holes) are losing their ability to come up with ideas that ought to be expressed – clearly or otherwise – in the first place.

Rhetorical questions, always an advanced technique, are being employed by those less than qualified for such power. You don’t give a semi-automatic weapon to a 9-year-old with Down’s Syndrome, and we should, likewise, restrict bloggers and PR goons/marketers from using rhetorics unless they pass some sort of Language Certification Test (exact qualifications and test questions TBA).

Definition note: In this context, by ‘bloggers’ I mean anyone who writes off-handed, ill-researched, un-edited text to the WWWeb, whether is comes via Blogger, WordPress, or the guise of credibility at CNet/Wired/etc.’s website. They may get paid to write their blogs, but there is a fine line betwixt being a professional and having professionalism.

I’ve been seeing a lot of rhetorical misuse lately in the form of rhetorical questions with glaring, non-rhetorical answers that confound the “obvious” expected answer. Examples? I’ve got a couple. (more…)

It’s 80 degrees (Farenheit, probably) outside today in Ohio.  Two days hence the Weather Channel people forecast snow.  To that, I say “go to hell, global warming.”  All I’m asking for is a little consistAncy.

If you’re gonna melt the polar icecaps then fucking melt the polar fucking icecaps!  Wossamatta?  Are the glaciers to fast for light to catch?  How exactly are the slowest things on earth evading the fastest thing in the universe?  That blows my mind like a neurowhore.

Unfortuneately, even the most tremendous of puns (see: title of this post) are incapable of bringing order to the chaos that is weather.  What you can do is take advantage of it.  Buy beachfront property.  For the future.  In Ohio.

Given the time and the inclination we can bring global warming to fruition and drown the South and the Eastern Seaboard.Nay, even the New Levees of New Orleans won’t be able to stop this flood of biblical proportions. Futurama’s lost city of Atlanta will be a reality and Columbus will become a major spring break destination for drunken college students, thus saving OSU students travel expenses. Invest now, before all the prime real estate in Kansas gets swallowed up by greedy timeshare companies.

Now get out there and enjoy the sun and don’t get frostbite!